'For customer use only'

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Originally uploaded by The Salaryman.

One of the many inconveniences of being an animal is the need to expel waste. Now, facilities for doing so in a heavy traffic shopping area are usually poor, biohazardous bogs lacking loo roll or any sign of cleanliness which are inevitably abused in ways sexual and gastrointestinal beyond the ken of California's most methed up porn product disseminators. Nonetheless, chain cafes and (at a push) chain pubs can sometimes be passable to a man in need.

However, too many people are too ashamed to pop into a Cafe Nero or brave the Sheryl Crow™ 'Best' of blare in Starbucks to make stink with no intention of buying beverages. The key is to go in like you belong, look around for a phantom person you are meeting and, not seeing them as they do not exist, look at your watch, before confidently striding to the white telephone.